Saturday, January 11, 2014

How To F*** Up Your Marriage, In A Jiffy.

 How to Screw Up Your Marriage in 20 Easy Steps.

*Disclaimer: I'm no expert at marriage, but I am an expert at screwing things up (past tense of course)

Follow these 20 guidelines and you are sure to see your marriage disintegrate in no time!

I’ve read a lot of blogs and articles on how to keep love alive, how to find the perfect mate, etc… How about some tips on how to sabotage your marriage in no time?!  Let’s face it, some people just don’t want to be married and they’re too chicken shit to communicate that, so to save them the trouble I’ve compiled this fool proof list.
No one couple was monitored in the making of this list.
You can pick a combination of two, or for a swift effect, go nuts and do them all! But be prepared for an uber successful outcome!

      1)   Make sure to fold and wash only your clothes.  Your spouse is perfectly capable of doing their own laundry, and you are simply trying to make them more independent.

      2)   When your spouse asks if they look fat, do not reply. At all. Change the subject.

      3)   Buy your own groceries and scowl when your spouse asks to eat your favorite snack. Yelling “MINE” really seals the deal.

      4)   Practice bed-sharing with your children (this works more than most as it prevents coitus)  

      5)   Make dinner. For yourself.

      6)   Sleep with someone else, preferably at your house.

      7)   Never ever clean the toothpaste out of the sink. I mean never.

      8)   Have more than two children.  I’d say more than one, but that could be rude.

      9)   If you are female, do not clean up your hair-shedding from the bathtub drain. It’s best to let it cure     
           for weeks until it looks like Chewbacca.

     10)    While out to dinner with your spouse, keep your cell phone within at least 6 inches of your face at  
            all times.  Playing games is especially helpful.

      11)    Walk around naked. ALL THE TIME.  (You think this is sexy huh? Just try it.)

      12)   When your partner goes in the bathroom to brush their teeth, follow along and hop on the   
             toilet for a generous ‘number two’. Singing helps.
       13)    Post on Facebook about how absolutely wonderful your spouse is while belittling them in 

      14)     Refuse to add them as a friend on Facebook.

      15)    Plan an amazing vacation. Alone.

      16)      Laugh any time your spouse is angry with you, and tell them to RELAX.  (this is my personal 

      17)    Delete their favorite shows on DVR.

      18)    Get pregnant. As a surprise.

      19)    Conserve water. Flush every third time.  

      20)    Do not ever kiss them goodnight.

 Sure, most people want to stay married, but I hate to exclude the unhappy from relationship tips.
For those in NORMAL happily disgruntled marriages, you may already have a jump on some of these. Just be careful in what way you mix these together, or you’re next on the D-list! 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The 30's: Spanx, Botox, and all that jazz.

I love Atticus, and I love writing about that little goob… But something I'm learning about parenting is… wait for it… No one really gives two shats about your kids!! Does that mean your friends and family hate your kids? NO. But for those without kids, and some with, they don't want to hear about or see your kid 24/7. Does that mean I won't post a ton of pictures of my little guy? Well, hell no… But I will take a break sometimes and switch it up.  Let's chat about something everyone can relate to, parents or not: AGING.

I haven't blogged in a long while, and I figured I'd go rogue and not write about the baby or life as a mom (minus the intro to this blog). There's something more pressing on my mind as we step into a new year.  In a few months I'm going to be 35. >Breathe< Yes, I'll be in my mid thirties. Holy Shit: That's all I know to say. I sure don't feel in my mid thirties; that used to seem so ancient. 

As I reflect on my 34 years of life with the coming of a new year, I've realized a few things. There are very significant differences in my life now as opposed to life in my twenties. I can't imagine that many of you don't feel exactly the same way. It's quite comical when I think about it. This came up mainly because we are headed to a wedding this weekend in LA and staying at the Standard. Now, normally I would be so thrilled to get all dressed up and go to LA for a night. Not that I'm not excited, but I just really want to go to the hotel and pass the F*%&# out for a good 12 hours!! We will go and have a great time and celebrate our friend's new life… but this wedding makes me think about how different my life is now.
Here are some ways life in my thirties is a world away from my twenties (maybe you can relate):

Then: For special occasions I'd buy a really cute dress (and not even curse in the dressing room), put it on, do my hair and makeup, and dash out for a great night of drinking and dancing IN HEELS.
Now: I break into a sweat just thinking of buying a dress. It has to be the right length so my Spanx don't hang out (getting those on is an entirely different battle, especially after breaking the seal after one glass of wine and being tipsy). I have to get 'comfy' heels, or get a pedicure because I know those puppies will fly off the moment we get drunk enough to go dance.

Then: I would shave my entire leg, ankle to hip, every day. You just never know!
Now: I shave up to my knee. I mean, who the hell's gonna see my full leg. If I wear a skirt it's to the knee (enter Spanx again), or just in case my pants come up. No one likes hairy ankles (thank goodness they aren't cankles at least).

Then: We would get ready to go out, at 10, yes I mean PM!!!! ON A WORK NIGHT.  (gasp)
Now: I have one glass of wine on a work night and think that I may die on the way to work from a splitting headache, projectile diarrhea, or vomit.

Then: I would smile, laugh, and make stupid faces with no worries.
Now: I think to myself, that's gonna cause a permanent line, is it really worth it? (don't act like you don't think about it y'all!).

Then: Buy whatever the hell I wanted..
Now: movers, bills, daycare, everything but new BOOTS!

Caution: If you're a prude, skip this one
Then: Sex.. YES Please!!
Now: “It’s a weekday and the DVR is full.” (Please shoot me)

Then: High metabolism
Now: Weight Watchers

Then: Multi-tasking
Now: I can’t even shower and remember to wash my hair.

Then: My closet was the laundry basket. I had a clean one and a dirty one.
Now: I gotta fold that shit!

Then: I would lather myself in baby oil outside (IN PUBLIC!) in a teeny bikini and wait… for the brown.
Now: Wrinkles, skin cancer….50 SPF

Then: Wear makeup to bed, and moisturize, what?!?
Now: Botox (don’t hate: the only side effect is addiction!)

Then: I had no clue who I was or what I wanted.
Now: I got everything that I didn’t know I wanted.

This new year, instead of always trying to look great at 33 or 34 or 35… I’m just going to make 35 LOOK DAMN GOOD. . . and every year after that! I want those young’uns to see me and say, “Man, she makes the 30’s look good!” That’s right y’all, hop on board!!! We are the generation to give them young knuckle-heads something to look forward to! Don’t make aging look as painful as I remember it seeming.

Happy New Year, and remember, we are not twenty… We ARE in our thirties and KILLIN’ IT (Spanx and all)!  :D

*I can't wait to redo this list in my Forties (and by that I don't mean I actually want to be 40)