Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Anxiety: pre baby versus post baby

I like to post blogs as I have a thought or story to share.  Well, tonight is a twofer!!  It's 12:17 a.m. and I'm laying in bed with my heart racing, while staring at a baby monitor every two seconds to make sure I see signs of breathing.  This is important for me to share because I had anxiety before the baby (my whole life to exact) and now... Well, now I'm a parent. I think anxiety is part of the job, and for any mom or dad who feels bat shit crazy, don't!! I will stay up (writing and staring) until 6 a.m., or until I know he is ok, whichever comes first.
On a daily basis I am not THAT mom. I don't freak out over head bonks, germs, people's opinions, tantrums, or  any other daily parenting battle. But when my baby is sick and it's not general teething, eczema, mild fever, congestion, or diarrhea, then I am on high alert. I go from semi laid back mom (I realize this is a matter of opinion) to military attack mode in just seconds. In all thirteen months we've had quite the range of sickness.  Tonight took the cake so far. My happy little scoobs has a fever, molars, AND he vomited (three times) for the first time (other than newbie spit up)... I damn near crawled in a ball to cry with him!! All this after vaccines that I am aware are safe, but that cause side effects that I don't think I'd like to deal with... And I don't, because clearly a lot of this is their fault!

He was moaning and whine-crying. I've never heard  a more pitiful sound.  His poor face before he upchucked on his mom was the saddest thing ever.  Jen's face was priceless too, but not in the same way, obvi.
General anxiety supported me all my life: it saved me from doing anything remotely dangerous, risky, or unknown because surely I'd be caught, or DIE!!!  Unjustified fear is a funny thing. I had nothing to lose panicking just because I knew that I forgot something that I couldn't recall that I'd forgotten and surely it would catch the house on fire or the door would be unlocked for easy access by an intruder who surely wanted to kill me and I forgot to charge my phone so I couldn't call for help.  By 4 a.m. I'd know I was safe, or too intoxicated to care. Mind you, this was in my early twenties... Not last year!

Update: his belly is moving up and down. I think he is breathing. (keeping watch)

We got through the early stages without too many anxious ridden nights. He slept on his belly from 3 weeks or so, and I never sweated it... For some reason, as he gets older, I get a little nuttier. I can also say we love him more each day. Not that we didn't early on, yada yada. But he was a squishy co-dependent loud blob. No one really loves all that! Those are the exes we haul ass away from!!  Now he's our baby, our son, our teenager, our future man!! And I will be damned if I let exhaustion jeopardize me watching him sleep to make sure he's ok.  I know I will lose the battle with these drooping eyelids, but I will wake to pee in just enough time to interrogate the baby monitor.

Update: he's probably still ok because he just rolled over (you can never be too sure; keeping watch)

No vomiting in two hours, I can probably begin to increase the time between monitor interrogations.
I think the anxiety peaks  at night because I worry much less during the day... The night brings on new anxiety because I can't see his little cheeky face or snuggle  him to make sure he's  breathing  and happy.  (I suppose) I'm glad that I'm mainly a nut job on the night shift. I'm gonna need shift differential.  Because if I was this looney during the day everyone would know!!  (No one really reads my blogs enough to share that tidbit with the world). Duh.

If you are a new parent and someone tells you that you're paranoid, anxious, helicopter mom, etc. After you slap them..... Reiterate that the 'goods' you're watching over is worth more than sleep, or mental health, or the tv show that you had to pause to check for breathing. I mean, I turned off Top Model to get puked on.  I wouldn't do that for Jen (sorry babe).
A note though, if you are paranoid, anxious, or a helicopter do try to relax. At night, be a  freaked out hot mess if you must... But during waking hours you are the parent we all dream of being. Patient, non paranoid, relaxed, nurturing but not in a smothering way,  and not counting the moments until a catastrophe strikes.  It is paralyzing to live in fear or anxiety or constant panic.
I am learning to balance my motherly panic. I overcame (mostly) my general anxiety  disorder (GAD) and then I get PIA (parental induced anxiety)...
 Update: He is butt up and arms out. The occasional twitch is comforting.

I hope someone reading this suddenly feels normal and can snuggle that monitor and get some rest!

Signing off for now!  Thanks to my blog for listening (and any potential readers).

xoxo













,

Monday, September 22, 2014

Being a baby sucks...

I realized today, after a loud noise echoed through the living room, followed by a high pitched scream, that being a baby really sucks. My haphazard ginger flung himself head first into our non kid friendly, badass wooden coffee table.  Of course, my eyes watered since he was clearly dying of a head injury as I picked him up from the floor, a sobbing mess. Meanwhile he's getting four (yes, FOUR) molars at one time.  I am seriously tempted to give us both some whiskey. Thirteen months old and already the world is against this guy (his view not mine!) 

It's a wonder most kids survive all these disasters of head trauma due to angry pointy table corners, eating various plants, and allowing any animal to lick inside their mouth.  It's a daily occurance to find Atticus french kissing Fray as they share Cheerios... Or stopping his stroller too close to a bush and then finding random berries in his mouth... Oh, and googling signs of a concussion when he whacks his head on the concrete because you're chatting with the neighbor and your son is crab walking and therefore lands directly on his head. And you look like mother of the year when you don't react. If you ignore them first they usually cry less (hmm, still waiting for the scientific data on that one).  Until then, please keep informing me on gossip in the neighborhood while I plot setting you up with my mom. (Motherhood is making me a brilliant multi-tasker)

So back to baby's sucking... I mean, why it sucks to be a baby... Atticus had a slew of shots on Friday, most of which I can't pronounce, but I'm not paranoid enough not to give them to him. So Jen and I manhandle our Hercules son as they announce that they will sting him a little. Really, I thought for sure they'd tickle. He hates to be held down like I hate to run, fold laundry, or be held down. He screams before the shot just because he's trapped by two moms and a nurse. Our poor babies!! We protect and take care of them and half if it is utter torture. 


Changing diapers and clothing is also the end of the world. It's like I'm peeling his actual skin off his body... Every time. Although, he still helps put his arm through the correct holes. But diapers... Oh diapers, those are his kryptonite. As soon as those flaps peel off, his ass is off the ground and twisting like a pissed off cobra. The air hits his junk and he is a free man! All the while paying no mind to the smelly shit he's flinging on me, the dogs who are RIGHT there, and the nice carpet. But it sure must suck to be him. As good moms we are bribing him with a toothbrush, butt paste tube, paci, socks, non edible-edible wet wipes, or a bottle, all while making creepy animals noises to distract him. 

My point is, in this thirteen months of existence our poor boy is having a rough go of it. And by rough go of it I mean he's an average, normal, clumsy, short-tempered, accident prone baby. 
Don't get me started on walking! It must be too much for him!! He's a part timer.

Much love to all until next time.  (When I'm not sleeping, eating, cleaning a butt, chasing a ginger, working, studying, glaring at my spouse, feeding a ginger, googling head injuries, trying to shower, petting a neglected weenie (dog), exercising for sanity, cooking, cleaning, or eating)...

xoxo

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

What a difference a year makes!!

Motherhood… What can I say…  HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS!!!

I've now experienced it for one full year. I've learned so many lessons about who I am, what Jen and I are capable of as a team, and how I've changed or need to change.
Let me make this a list, to simplify my journey so far…

Things I've discovered as a new mom:

1.  You can actually survive off of very little sleep

2.  I really really suck at that part

3.  Teamwork is the ONLY way to parent. Someone always does more in one area, but you have to try and even the score. You're way too exhausted for a divorce anyway!!

4.  Air on weenie = yellow rain shower (that shit stains wall paint by the way).

5.  I must attempt to control my swearing... (See above)  Or pray he has a lisp so the swear words are not detectable.

6.  Do not take advice from anyone, but listen to everyone. Hey, I'm stubborn, and I will always do what I feel is best... But having a million options can't hurt! You'll get that one random Facebook message from an  obscure 'friend' that will save your life one night at 2am.

7.  Your baby is just right. You hear me?! My son is chunky. No, we didn't overfeed him as a newborn, and no he doesn't eat junk food. He's a BIG baby, and he was born a BIG BABY. Suck it. I'm a chubby baby chaser!

8.  ACCEPT help. Friends offer to cook and clean, say yes. Family wants to watch the baby so you can sleep, do it!! The bottles will get washed, the laundry folded, and the dogs walked... But your sanity may run the hell off!

9.  DATE NIGHTS. If you are married, and you'd like to stay that way, leave your baby!! The sooner the better. When you trust others to watch your baby, your baby trusts others. This comes in handy for all sorts of life events for your kid: Like LIFE!!

10. Sex: You'd rather sleep. You'd rather sleep. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sleep!!! Do IT when you can put in some effort! No need to make it dull yet!

11. Do something alone! Go to Target. Take a 15 minute pee. Sit in your car and call your best bud. Sleep in your car at lunch. Go workout... Point?! You need alone time!! You will not survive the first year without some reminder that you are a real, independent person who resembles your old pre-baby self.

12. Go away overnight!! Yes, in addition to date night. This relates to #10.  We trusted good friends and a grandma to watch Atticus overnight, and let me tell you, it was the most amazing thing ever. Sleeping passed 6am with no disruption has no comparison. If you don't have family to watch your bundle, then prep your friends if they offer. And if they have kids then they are pros!!  If you breastfeed, you better pump ahead y'all!! It is so worth it. Did I miss him? Mostly. (Do not pretend to judge) Enough to ruin my trip? Hell no. Does this make me a bad mom? Absolutely not. It makes me a better mom. We come home refreshed, happy, fed, showered, and connected. Priceless.

13. Buy toys from yard sales!! That's why they make Lysol wipes... Cooties smoothies, toys are way overpriced!!

14. Doctor tells you one thing, and you don't agree? Try it your way. You're the mom. Atticus ate adult food way before the doctors said he would... We cut it up real small like. Use your best judgement! Does this apply to actual medical advice? No. Vaccinate your children! Measles is on the loose!

15. You are not crazy when you go poke your baby or feel for his or her breath at 1am.

16.  Strangers touch your baby.. I'm biased, but if you seem nice (and semi clean) then by all means tug at his toes. Caution: You get a reaction based on his mood.  But do keep your dirty kids away from my baby!!

17.  Public meltdowns. They will happen. Plenty. Smile, and keep tossing shit in your basket. Or, go feed him, or leave. It happens to every parent. If you see this happening, smile at that poor parent.  If you haven't been there you will be!

18.  Doorbells, knocks, and dogs are the devil at naptime and bedtime. I have been downright rude to all mail delivery people, fedex, neighbors, and missionaries.. Save them a bad day and make a sign for the door!

19.  Bedtime is the best part of the day. It doesn't make you an ass. Watch some tv, eat, and sit on the sofa without having to use your ninja skills to drink water while preventing a concussion and changing a diaper.

20.  Your life will never ever be the same. How you cope will make or break you. So take some time to be you. Your kid will get the best YOU if your are not constantly just a mom.

This was my year in a nutshell. I know I left out so much.  This year was the fastest year of my life. I look back at photos from this time last year, and I met my son in less than a day.  It seems like a dream... And not in a winning the lottery or hot naked celebrity way... It was a whirlwind!!
People tell me that you forget how hard the first year is... I call bullshit!

It's so hard. Well worth it, but the hardest part of my life so far, and I won't forget the long nights, the crying with no end in sight, the random colds, teething... And I especially won't forget my beautiful pain in the ass. He's worth every bit of it. (minus the teething of molars!)

Saturday, January 11, 2014

How To F*** Up Your Marriage, In A Jiffy.





 How to Screw Up Your Marriage in 20 Easy Steps.


*Disclaimer: I'm no expert at marriage, but I am an expert at screwing things up (past tense of course)


Follow these 20 guidelines and you are sure to see your marriage disintegrate in no time!

I’ve read a lot of blogs and articles on how to keep love alive, how to find the perfect mate, etc… How about some tips on how to sabotage your marriage in no time?!  Let’s face it, some people just don’t want to be married and they’re too chicken shit to communicate that, so to save them the trouble I’ve compiled this fool proof list.
No one couple was monitored in the making of this list.
You can pick a combination of two, or for a swift effect, go nuts and do them all! But be prepared for an uber successful outcome!


      1)   Make sure to fold and wash only your clothes.  Your spouse is perfectly capable of doing their own laundry, and you are simply trying to make them more independent.

      2)   When your spouse asks if they look fat, do not reply. At all. Change the subject.

      3)   Buy your own groceries and scowl when your spouse asks to eat your favorite snack. Yelling “MINE” really seals the deal.

      4)   Practice bed-sharing with your children (this works more than most as it prevents coitus)  

      5)   Make dinner. For yourself.

      6)   Sleep with someone else, preferably at your house.

      7)   Never ever clean the toothpaste out of the sink. I mean never.

      8)   Have more than two children.  I’d say more than one, but that could be rude.

      9)   If you are female, do not clean up your hair-shedding from the bathtub drain. It’s best to let it cure     
           for weeks until it looks like Chewbacca.

     10)    While out to dinner with your spouse, keep your cell phone within at least 6 inches of your face at  
            all times.  Playing games is especially helpful.

      11)    Walk around naked. ALL THE TIME.  (You think this is sexy huh? Just try it.)

      12)   When your partner goes in the bathroom to brush their teeth, follow along and hop on the   
             toilet for a generous ‘number two’. Singing helps.
      
       13)    Post on Facebook about how absolutely wonderful your spouse is while belittling them in 
             person.

      14)     Refuse to add them as a friend on Facebook.

      15)    Plan an amazing vacation. Alone.

      16)      Laugh any time your spouse is angry with you, and tell them to RELAX.  (this is my personal 
              favorite)

      17)    Delete their favorite shows on DVR.

      18)    Get pregnant. As a surprise.

      19)    Conserve water. Flush every third time.  

      20)    Do not ever kiss them goodnight.
     

 Sure, most people want to stay married, but I hate to exclude the unhappy from relationship tips.
For those in NORMAL happily disgruntled marriages, you may already have a jump on some of these. Just be careful in what way you mix these together, or you’re next on the D-list! 



Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The 30's: Spanx, Botox, and all that jazz.


I love Atticus, and I love writing about that little goob… But something I'm learning about parenting is… wait for it… No one really gives two shats about your kids!! Does that mean your friends and family hate your kids? NO. But for those without kids, and some with, they don't want to hear about or see your kid 24/7. Does that mean I won't post a ton of pictures of my little guy? Well, hell no… But I will take a break sometimes and switch it up.  Let's chat about something everyone can relate to, parents or not: AGING.

I haven't blogged in a long while, and I figured I'd go rogue and not write about the baby or life as a mom (minus the intro to this blog). There's something more pressing on my mind as we step into a new year.  In a few months I'm going to be 35. >Breathe< Yes, I'll be in my mid thirties. Holy Shit: That's all I know to say. I sure don't feel in my mid thirties; that used to seem so ancient. 

As I reflect on my 34 years of life with the coming of a new year, I've realized a few things. There are very significant differences in my life now as opposed to life in my twenties. I can't imagine that many of you don't feel exactly the same way. It's quite comical when I think about it. This came up mainly because we are headed to a wedding this weekend in LA and staying at the Standard. Now, normally I would be so thrilled to get all dressed up and go to LA for a night. Not that I'm not excited, but I just really want to go to the hotel and pass the F*%&# out for a good 12 hours!! We will go and have a great time and celebrate our friend's new life… but this wedding makes me think about how different my life is now.
Here are some ways life in my thirties is a world away from my twenties (maybe you can relate):

Then: For special occasions I'd buy a really cute dress (and not even curse in the dressing room), put it on, do my hair and makeup, and dash out for a great night of drinking and dancing IN HEELS.
Now: I break into a sweat just thinking of buying a dress. It has to be the right length so my Spanx don't hang out (getting those on is an entirely different battle, especially after breaking the seal after one glass of wine and being tipsy). I have to get 'comfy' heels, or get a pedicure because I know those puppies will fly off the moment we get drunk enough to go dance.

Then: I would shave my entire leg, ankle to hip, every day. You just never know!
Now: I shave up to my knee. I mean, who the hell's gonna see my full leg. If I wear a skirt it's to the knee (enter Spanx again), or just in case my pants come up. No one likes hairy ankles (thank goodness they aren't cankles at least).

Then: We would get ready to go out, at 10, yes I mean PM!!!! ON A WORK NIGHT.  (gasp)
Now: I have one glass of wine on a work night and think that I may die on the way to work from a splitting headache, projectile diarrhea, or vomit.

Then: I would smile, laugh, and make stupid faces with no worries.
Now: I think to myself, that's gonna cause a permanent line, is it really worth it? (don't act like you don't think about it y'all!).

Then: Buy whatever the hell I wanted..
Now: movers, bills, daycare, everything but new BOOTS!

Caution: If you're a prude, skip this one
Then: Sex.. YES Please!!
Now: “It’s a weekday and the DVR is full.” (Please shoot me)


Then: High metabolism
Now: Weight Watchers

Then: Multi-tasking
Now: I can’t even shower and remember to wash my hair.

Then: My closet was the laundry basket. I had a clean one and a dirty one.
Now: I gotta fold that shit!

Then: I would lather myself in baby oil outside (IN PUBLIC!) in a teeny bikini and wait… for the brown.
Now: Wrinkles, skin cancer….50 SPF

Then: Wear makeup to bed, and moisturize, what?!?
Now: Botox (don’t hate: the only side effect is addiction!)

Then: I had no clue who I was or what I wanted.
Now: I got everything that I didn’t know I wanted.

This new year, instead of always trying to look great at 33 or 34 or 35… I’m just going to make 35 LOOK DAMN GOOD. . . and every year after that! I want those young’uns to see me and say, “Man, she makes the 30’s look good!” That’s right y’all, hop on board!!! We are the generation to give them young knuckle-heads something to look forward to! Don’t make aging look as painful as I remember it seeming.

Happy New Year, and remember, we are not twenty… We ARE in our thirties and KILLIN’ IT (Spanx and all)!  :D

*I can't wait to redo this list in my Forties (and by that I don't mean I actually want to be 40)