Saturday, January 11, 2014

How To F*** Up Your Marriage, In A Jiffy.





 How to Screw Up Your Marriage in 20 Easy Steps.


*Disclaimer: I'm no expert at marriage, but I am an expert at screwing things up (past tense of course)


Follow these 20 guidelines and you are sure to see your marriage disintegrate in no time!

I’ve read a lot of blogs and articles on how to keep love alive, how to find the perfect mate, etc… How about some tips on how to sabotage your marriage in no time?!  Let’s face it, some people just don’t want to be married and they’re too chicken shit to communicate that, so to save them the trouble I’ve compiled this fool proof list.
No one couple was monitored in the making of this list.
You can pick a combination of two, or for a swift effect, go nuts and do them all! But be prepared for an uber successful outcome!


      1)   Make sure to fold and wash only your clothes.  Your spouse is perfectly capable of doing their own laundry, and you are simply trying to make them more independent.

      2)   When your spouse asks if they look fat, do not reply. At all. Change the subject.

      3)   Buy your own groceries and scowl when your spouse asks to eat your favorite snack. Yelling “MINE” really seals the deal.

      4)   Practice bed-sharing with your children (this works more than most as it prevents coitus)  

      5)   Make dinner. For yourself.

      6)   Sleep with someone else, preferably at your house.

      7)   Never ever clean the toothpaste out of the sink. I mean never.

      8)   Have more than two children.  I’d say more than one, but that could be rude.

      9)   If you are female, do not clean up your hair-shedding from the bathtub drain. It’s best to let it cure     
           for weeks until it looks like Chewbacca.

     10)    While out to dinner with your spouse, keep your cell phone within at least 6 inches of your face at  
            all times.  Playing games is especially helpful.

      11)    Walk around naked. ALL THE TIME.  (You think this is sexy huh? Just try it.)

      12)   When your partner goes in the bathroom to brush their teeth, follow along and hop on the   
             toilet for a generous ‘number two’. Singing helps.
      
       13)    Post on Facebook about how absolutely wonderful your spouse is while belittling them in 
             person.

      14)     Refuse to add them as a friend on Facebook.

      15)    Plan an amazing vacation. Alone.

      16)      Laugh any time your spouse is angry with you, and tell them to RELAX.  (this is my personal 
              favorite)

      17)    Delete their favorite shows on DVR.

      18)    Get pregnant. As a surprise.

      19)    Conserve water. Flush every third time.  

      20)    Do not ever kiss them goodnight.
     

 Sure, most people want to stay married, but I hate to exclude the unhappy from relationship tips.
For those in NORMAL happily disgruntled marriages, you may already have a jump on some of these. Just be careful in what way you mix these together, or you’re next on the D-list!