How to Screw Up Your
Marriage in 20 Easy Steps.
*Disclaimer: I'm no expert at marriage, but I am an expert at screwing things up (past tense of course)
Follow these 20 guidelines and you are sure to see your
marriage disintegrate in no time!
I’ve read a lot of blogs and articles on how to keep love
alive, how to find the perfect mate, etc… How about some tips on how to
sabotage your marriage in no time?!
Let’s face it, some people just don’t want to be married and they’re too
chicken shit to communicate that, so to save them the trouble I’ve compiled
this fool proof list.
No one couple was
monitored in the making of this list.
You can pick a combination of two, or for a swift effect, go
nuts and do them all! But be prepared for an uber successful outcome!
1)
Make sure to fold and wash only your
clothes. Your spouse is perfectly
capable of doing their own laundry, and you are simply trying to make them more
independent.
2)
When your spouse asks if they look fat, do not
reply. At all. Change the subject.
3)
Buy your own groceries and scowl when your
spouse asks to eat your favorite snack. Yelling “MINE” really seals the deal.
4)
Practice bed-sharing with your children (this
works more than most as it prevents coitus)
5)
Make dinner. For yourself.
6)
Sleep with someone else, preferably at your
house.
7)
Never ever clean the toothpaste out of the sink.
I mean never.
8)
Have more than two children. I’d say more than one, but that could be
rude.
9)
If you are female, do not clean up your hair-shedding
from the bathtub drain. It’s best to let it cure
for weeks until it looks like
Chewbacca.
10) While out to dinner with your spouse, keep your
cell phone within at least 6 inches of your face at
all times. Playing games is especially helpful.
all times. Playing games is especially helpful.
11) Walk around naked. ALL THE TIME. (You think this is sexy huh? Just try it.)
12) When your
partner goes in the bathroom to brush their teeth, follow along and hop on the
toilet for a generous ‘number two’. Singing helps.
13) Post on
Facebook about how absolutely wonderful your spouse is while belittling them in
person.
14) Refuse to
add them as a friend on Facebook.
15) Plan an
amazing vacation. Alone.
16) Laugh any
time your spouse is angry with you, and tell them to RELAX. (this is my personal
favorite)
17) Delete
their favorite shows on DVR.
18) Get
pregnant. As a surprise.
19) Conserve
water. Flush every third time.
20) Do not
ever kiss them goodnight.
Sure, most people want to stay married, but I hate to
exclude the unhappy from relationship tips.
For those in NORMAL happily disgruntled marriages, you may
already have a jump on some of these. Just be careful in what way you mix these
together, or you’re next on the D-list!
