I Hear Writing is Cathartic...

CAUTION: These are my thoughts in raw form. It's really more for me than you, in the best way possible. But, who knows, maybe some of you can relate, understand, or find comfort in these words.

This posts contains swear words, so if you're a cuss word sissy you better exit now... wink face.

Soooo, here I am. . . after a much needed break from social media, negativity, the news and, honestly, a reprieve from my usual self.

I just attended my first yoga retreat this past weekend, which I signed up for two weeks before Thanksgiving because, well, I needed to go be alone in the woods and meditate.  For those of you that know me well you're probably laughing out loud or you spit out your morning coffee. Hell, I find it weird too. All this yoga, thoughtfulness, and inward reflection is NOT who I've been all my life, or really even a year ago... But I learned a hard lesson this last year, and I'm not speaking solely about the election decision because that is only a teeny tiny piece of this jumbled puzzle. Maybe epiphany is a better word, although, that seems a bit dramatic... But, hey, I think we can all agree I have some dramatic tendencies at times.

There have been some tough personal issues going on lately, actually compounding over the last year, that have given me an abnormally heavy heart; and I realized that I have been reacting the same way to situations for about 37 years now... minus maybe the infant years, but pretty sure I was a hot tempered mess then too! Sorry Mom!
I read a quote recently that really resonated with me... I'll paraphrase because I've seen it written many different ways.

*If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done*

Holy Shit >>>> BAM... It might as well have read, WAKE THE FUCK UP MEGHAN!! For some reason, at the moment I saw this on some random IG account, while involuntarily trolling social media, it hit me... What the hell is it going to take to make a real change? I don't want my old life. I don't want to live half ass. I don't want to recover from the past anymore, and I don't want to continue a cycle of mediocrity and unresolved trauma. My family deserves better. I am not miserable, don't get me wrong, but I am not living up to my potential... as a wife, as a mother, as a worker, as a daughter, as a friend, and just as a human. 

I have always wanted to be perfect.. That's really fucking exhausting. Not to mention, what the fuck does that even mean?!? Perfect to whose standards, certainly not my own?? 37 years y'all... of trying to be great at everything and slowly realizing I'm really not that great at everything, or much at all.. because it was contrived, disingenuous really.  Because really, who is great at everything they attempt? No one. and if you're that ONE PERSON that is, I hate you. (JK, kind of)

You have to find the one or two things that make you happy and just do it, screw expectations. Because if you LOVE it, you will excel at it. I now know that, so learn from my mistakes.  All this striving for perfection, or achievements I never really wanted, well I'm over it. I am inching rather close to 40. <<deep breath>> Yowser. So why waste any more time.

So far here's how my life breaks down:

Kid years: I just wanted to play outside and draw... I was super introverted most of the time. 

Teens: Emotional roller coaster on crack. Again, trying to be who I, or others, thought I should be.

20's: HOT MESS. Anxiety attacks daily. You poured it, I drank it. You asked, I probably did it. Regrets, by the boat load.

30's: Life got on the right track, settled down. REALIZATION: That old shit isn't working anymore.

I've been thinking hard about how we repeat patterns... The comfort that exists in always reacting the same way, because it's so scary to do things a new way. How will you know the outcome?! I think we can safely say it's all about control. And when your life was once out of control your brain changes... You are rewired. It's an unnoticeable switch... It's gradual enough to just be normal.. You begin to make decisions that don't need to be made because of fear. You react instead of becoming thoughtful. You plan for the worst case instead of relishing in the possibilities of the best case [which actually sounds so much more amazing, doesn't it?!]. You are conditioned to believe that you are the only person with your best interest at heart so those almost unbreakable walls are gradually built around you. (I don't like ANY walls, clearly)

I am not religious, or spiritual, or anything really.. although, I am working on trusting energy in the universe because you can't dispute that the world is made up of energy no matter what you believe in...  But many, many let downs have taught me that this life is not mine to over control. When I say let downs, by the way, the realistic translation is that I got EVERYTHING I needed in life, but not the way I wanted it or how i had planned it in my head. Oh my gosh you guys, that's a MOFO wake up call!! 

This is what happened to me when I tried to PLAN the SHIT out of everything:

>> I found a great life partner, that I didn't go out seeking or quite frankly would've chosen on my own (I mean that in the most awesome way wife!!)... I got the job I needed to influence my future, that has had many obstacles, and that I did not choose. I got the most amazing child in the world, but not at all the way I wanted or expected, and who is teaching me more than I will ever teach him. We bought our first home that we never thought we would get, the perfect home for us, after numerous failed offers and disgruntled attitudes. I have friends that have been with me through it all, and I am sometimes not sure why they stuck around so long, but they are the ones I needed.

 >>>> After all those instances it still took a LONG ass time for me to get it. I GOT IT ALL!! Everything I wanted... but I was still having a pity party that it did not go the way I planned in my head. I realize now how stupid and childish that is. Not to mention the unnecessary stress!! It worked out, every damn bit of it. The comfort I now feel with that weight being gone is just heavenly (but I am still working on it, because I'm still me). 

I am slowly learning to do things differently. To be grateful. To love just a little more when it feels like it's not possible in the moment. // To ALWAYS take a breath before reacting \\ To do more small things alone, so that when I am with others I am present and not just existing. 

One lesson I can share, and one I now swear by, is this... YOU ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS. Let that sink in, because I swear to you, it relieves a shit ton of stress and takes care of the one person that matters most. YOU.  Because you are NO GOOD to anyone else unless you take care of yourself. It may feel hurtful or aggressive to others, but you are not responsible for their perceptions or brain wiring or trauma. This has alienated some friends and family at times, but at my core I know taking care of me makes every other relationship even stronger... I don't mean that you should be rude or hateful [duh]... What I mean is, set out to always have the best intentions, but if others react poorly, rudely, or misinterpret, allow them to work it out on their own. It's not your job to fix someone else. Man, it's amazing how healthy that is, yet how awkward it feels at first. Cuz really people, we aren't taught how to be healthy! We are not taught to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. We're taught how to make others happy first,  to sacrifice ourselves, and then get mass amounts of expensive therapy, and then be told to take care of ourselves.. Thanks, thanks for that cruel world (oops, drama flair)!

I'm oversharing today... Pretty much you can think of this as the culmination of all the days I haven't been posting on Facebook. HA. And maybe my next posting will be another blog post instead of spending my days thinking of what I can take a photo of to share on social media. .  

Thanks for reading. I hope you all had a wonderful, butter-filled Thanksgiving, as I did! Gobble Gobble

Oh, here are a few photos from my awesome yoga retreat...If you live in Cali and want a great yoga retreat, check out Sagrada in Santa Margarita!! I used to call of this stuff HOKEY... Now I call it survival.